The relief of a body double/shadow – acknowledging failure, and regrouping

Executive function. For autistic people, “normal” executive function can be elusive. Its the cognition that lets us plan, organise, strategise. It’s a combination of working memory, cognitive flexibility and inhibition control. The control centre for executive function is in the frontal cortex. Typically, autistic people have different shape and structure in the frontal cortex. As I have said so many times, our brains are built and wired a little bit differently.

I’ve written about body doubling with my AI companion. That didn’t actually work out so well. Listening to a podcast was more effective, but it still wasn’t not great.

So what is body doubling, or shadowing? It is a support technique. It’s when somebody works with you,  beside you,  physically or virtually,  while you get a task done. It helps you get the task done.

Working in parallel is when you have a body double, but they are in the same space at the same time, engaged in a different task.

I’ve written about my plans to manage the issues around housework, caused by the executive function issues in my autistic brain. I’ve written about the bag strategy for getting things to the right place to be put away.

Neither option worked well. The housework situation was not getting any better.

Airtasker to the rescue. In two five -hour days last weekend, with an Airtasker, working together, body doubling or shadow, or working in parallel, my workroom and my bedroom are, once again, havens instead of shame pits.

It is hard to describe just how life changing it was to have my workroom and bedroom back, fully usable, decluttered, cleared and cleaned. Ursula, the Airtasker angel, was amazing, and the chatter, oh my goodness, the chatter.

On a side note, I have often said that in my work as a Shebah driver, I change the world, one conversation at a time. I have also said that someone keeps dropping people in my path who need to have a conversation with me.

At the start, I disclosed my autism and the executive function issues that had led to the dishevelled state of my workroom. I described what body doubling, or shadowing, is. We talked about how we would tackle it, and we got to work.

During the morning we chatted about autism and that maybe, one of her children is on the spectrum. We chatted about typical traits and the impact that a diagnosis can have in terms of supports and accommodations at school. We also chatted about it being genetic… cue Ursula then cuing into the traits I was describing for undiagnosed adults, adept at masking.

By end of the first five-hour block,  I had my workroom back. I couldn’t wait to set up my study area.

The next day, Ursula and I tackled my bedroom. By the end of the second five-hour block, I had my bedroom back.

I had a clean slate, a fresh start. My outlook changed.  It felt like my life changed. I felt energised. I now have strategies in place to keep it that way. A week on,  and so far, so good.

It made me think of the easy relationship that my late husband and I had, where I unknowingly had a body double, a shadow. We did so much together. I have no doubt that,  had he still been alive, hale and hearty, we’d still be doing that, but understanding why it was so necessary.

There are several morals to this story. I’ll let you choose the one that means the most to you.

What means the most to me?

1. Asking for help when you need it is reasonable and necessary.

2. Treasure your family while you’ve got them.

Being seen

When your default is being strong and resilient because there ain’t no-one else to do it, being seen is humbling. It can bring you to your knees. It can bring forth tears.

Being seen is powerful.  It’s validating. 

When did we stop seeing each other? When did it become easier to do surface skims? When did “How are you?” become a glib greeting instead of a heartfelt enquiry about your well-being today?

There seems to be a swathe of content creators asking questions about “if x was possible,  what would you do/say/wish for?” My universal response is “be kind”. Just be kind.  Just care about the person next to you,  in front of you.

Twice, today,  I’ve been behind cars where the driver didn’t know which way to go.  Those drivers don’t need to be yelled at.  They need kindness.

Kindness. It’s free. It’s being compassionate. It’s giving a damn. It doesn’t cost a thing,  and might even be good for you.

But you know the part of kindness that is hard? When it applies to yourself.

Our inner voice can be a help and a hindrance,  all in the same second.  The boffins who know say that every healthy,  working brain has an inner voice.  There are boffins working on giving generative AI an inner voice!

What does your inner voice say to you?

Mine used to be nasty,  and judgemental, and vicious.  It’s settled down now,  since I discovered my autism.  It’s actually helpful.

It’s meant to be helpful. It’s thought to develop after we progress to external speech. I’ve been told that young children will narrate what they are doing. That vocalisation will eventually become internal, et voila, you have your inner monologue.

So, check in with your inner voice. And work with it, and tell yourself that you are seen, you are here, and you are enough.

We’re all navigating our own paths, sometimes blindly, sometimes with clarity. In those moments when you falter, when your inner critic gets loud, remember that being kind to yourself is revolutionary. It’s a radical act of self-care in a world that often expects perfection.

When you extend kindness to yourself, you begin to see the world with more compassionate eyes. You start to understand that everyone is fighting their own battles, many of which are unseen.

So, let’s start seeing each other again. Let’s ask “How are you?” and really mean it. Let’s offer a smile, a kind word, a moment of our time. These small acts of kindness can bridge the gaps between us, making us feel less alone and more connected.

Because being seen is more than being noticed. It’s being understood, appreciated, and valued. And that’s something we all need, every single day.


Resources

All in the Mind podcast, “Controlling the chatter in your head“.

All in the Mind podcast, “What influences your inner voice? Controlling chatter, part two”.

Nightlife podcast with Hugh Mackay: The Kindness Revolution.

The Minefield podcast, “An eye that cannot weep – what does compassion demand of us?”.


What inspired this  blog post? A post on Instagram. Minimalist white sans serif text on a black swathe. Those words say:


I dream of never been called
resilient again in my life.
I’m exhausted by strength.
I want support.
I want softness.
I want ease.
I want to be amongst kin.
Not patted on the back
for how well I took a hit.
Or for how many.