Autism in the workplace

Trigger warning – mention of suicidal ideation

Read with caution, and rest assured, the events described were back in 2011 and 2018. I’m ok. I really am OK. Cash poor but spiritually rich, and OK

For all of my 31 years in the paid workforce, I had no idea I had no idea I was autistic. I had no idea that my sensitivity to sound was an autistic sensory issue. I had no idea that rejection sensitivity disorder had me in its grip, making me fragile, or as one person put it, “you can dish it, but you can’t take it”. Did I mention that autistic people sometimes have communication issues, and that’s its not constant?

In my last 11 years, as a senior manager dealing with occupational health and safety,  environmental management, quality assurance and corporate governance, I had no idea I was autistic.

How might my professional life have been different, if I had known I was autistic? Could supports and accommodations have been put in place?

That’s really hard to say, or imagine. Not much was known about autism, and it was believed that Aspergers was a different disorder.

But in my last professional role, things were showing, even though I was undiagnosed. Looking back, with hindsight and new knowledge, I can see my autism peeking through my carefully constructed facade.

The challenges – RSD

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) made professional life, well, interesting. Going through recruitment processes and not being offered a role. Once in a role, 1 month, 3 month and 5 month probation reviews. Then the annual performance appraisal process. All those little points upon which anxiety and RSD can bloom. And if I felt something was unjust, my strong sense of justice directed my words.

But RSD, from two separate instances at work, I now know to be the origin to be the origin of the two suicidal ideation episodes in my life.

The first one, feeling unwanted, that my work was tolerated but really unnecessary, set off the RSD in a spiral that only hyperempathy saved me from. What would it do to co-workers, driving back from the same meeting I had left earlier, if they saw my distinctive car wrapped around a bridge pylon. That was what stopped me. Hyperempathy. My autistic traits saved my life.

The second time was being given what I thought was a direction but was not, at least, not a direction for immediate implementation. So I forged ahead, made mistakes and the ensuing conversation about that set the RSD off and running again, all the way to suicidal ideation by way of a home-made toxic substance. Reiki, and a skilled, talented and generally all round wonderful Reiki healer, caught that one and opened doorways for me that I could give voice to my distress. That time, I ended up on Zoloft, and it was awful.

The Challenges – sensory

Then we can talk about sensory issues. With my audio sensitivities, having my own music playing was essential. So I became the DJ for the office. But the uninvited noise from an open plan office was, shall we say, uncomfortable. Several times I asked about moving into an empty office, and was refused. Several times, I would be walking back into the office to be met with what sounded like a wall of sound, with people on the phone, conversations, office machines… but all I would do was take a deep breath and continue walking through to my desk in the open plan office.

When I did get an office, sharing with my off-sider, the peace and silence was magnificent yet almost unnerving. The server room next door provided white noise, that I didn’t know I needed, but now makes sense.

That’s not anxiety, that’s an autistic meltdown

Then there was the offsite company meeting in the function room in a hotel, where lunch was in the hotel bistro. I walked into the bistro, then walked out again. I called it an anxiety attack, but now I know it was an autistic meltdown, a meltdown from the noise I walked into, but also RSD from not seeing a reserved seat for me.

But wait, there’s more

All the while,  during this period, I had a husband in the mid to end stages of Huntington’s Disease. Small wonder I went down with hypothyroidism from the chronic stress and also with oestrogen dominance, resulting in fibroids. Too much testosterone, my parasympathetic nervous system overloaded and operating from the sympathetic nervous system, in constant fight or flight. And with undiagnosed autism.

From my experience in risk management and risk mitigation, how then could diagnosed autism, and appropriate accommodations, made a difference?

If my manager and the next manager above that had known about RSD, what would have changed in terms of performance appraisals and performance management?

If my manager had known that my auditory sensitivities were actually austic auditory sensitivities, would the office have been offered sooner?

If my manager had known of my need for clear communication, instructions and directions, what would have changed?

And yet, my autism made me good at my job, at inspections, audits and investigations. Checklists, forms, guidance on inspections. Audit consultations, completion and reports. Emergency management and communications, problem solving, troubleshooting, then reviewing how we had done. My attention to detail, my planning, almost to a project management level of detail; my autistic traits made me good at my job.

That was then, this is now

These days, self-employed as a rideshare driver, I control my workplace. Temperature, noise, what’s playing on the radio, or Spotify. Which booking requests I accept. And seeing so many regulars, the same people, day by day, week by week, establishing relationships with my regulars. My workspace, tailored for me. And every day I have my itinerary.

Autism in the workplace, Amaze Australia

In 2018, Amaze Australia conducted research into community attitudes & and behaviours towards autism.

https://www.amaze.org.au/creating-change/research/employment/.

This is what they found, that:

  • The unemployment rate for autistic people is 31.6% – three times the rate of people with a disability and almost six times the rate of people without a disability.
  • 45% of autistic people who are employed report that their skills are higher than required to do their job.
  • 20% of people report having lost their job because of their autism.
  • More than half of autistic people who had held a paid job have been out of employment for three or more years

That’s an awful lot of wasted talent. How could your workplace be more inclusive?

Autism, creativity and integration of self

This morning, I was stumped. I had no idea what to write about.  I asked a friend, who suggested I write about autism and creativity. I had a couple of moments of introspection and thought,  along these lines.

I don’t know what my autistic creativity is.

Then the thought.As I said, I don

Yes, you do. You’ve been autistic your whole life,  so every creative thought you’ve had or done has been your autistic creativity.

Well, damn,  mike drop for the inner voice again..

I have a number of regular passengers who are autistic,  and their creativity,  around their special interests,  is amazing.

The teenager focussed on game design.

The teenager focussed on music production.

The young woman writing parodies of songs with a theme of Australia and conservation.

But me, and my creativity? Remember, I’m (now) 52 years old, and discovered my autism late last year. And all my life, I have never thought of myself as creative. Yet, I write, I cook,  I have gardened, and I crochet, among other things. While I was unknowingly autistic.

My writing? All my life. I won my first writing competition at the local eisteddfod, when I was 7. It was a story about a lizard who had lost his tail.

My cooking? All my life, from my first three-course meal when I was 8, to so many lunch and dinner parties, to now, in my meal prepping, where I am combatting of regression after autistic burnout. This meal prepping is creating tasty, budget friendly meals for my breakfasts and lunches. I’m looking at recipes and taking inspiration from them, creating meals tailored to me, my allergies and my budget.

Breakfasts such as frittata, omelette wraps, LSA bread with almond spread and sliced bananas, oat bakes with berries and chocolate, apple and cinnamon fritters, a baked rice pudding. Lunches such as chicken and loaded coleslaw, lentil and sweet potato salad, green salad with meatballs, green salad with crocodile, a dhal-like “hail mary”, pumpkin and salmon pasta bake. All for less than $4 per serve, using what I have in my pantry and freezer, like the crocodile meat. That got an overnight marinade in yoghurt mixed with my hot spice mix, with the heat coming from mustard and ginger, and a slow, low roast. My nightshade allergy rules out potatoes, tomatoes, chilli, and capsicum (peppers).

My gardening? Lost to depression and what I now know to be autistic burnout from a few years ago. But, oh, the gardens. Vegetables and flowers, all mixed in with companion planting. Heritage yellow tomatoes and luscious San Marzano (roma) tomatoes, not trellised but lying,  lazy, on a bed of oregano, with chives, allyssum and marigolds in and around, given afternoon shade by a towering blue plumbago.

Sweet potatoes grown in a big bin, with the first monster weighing in at 1.2kgs. Pineapples, grown from a crown, such a beautiful, strappy, architectural plant during its slow growth.

Lettuces and rocket (arugula), salad greens, coriander (cilantro), beans, peas and sweet peas, aloe vera, and herbs – parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme… and lavender, curry plant, marjoram, lemon verbena, lemon balm, and so much more. I collected thyme, sage and mint varieties. Have you ever tasted a lemon thyme,a pineapple sage or an apple mint? And my beloved, and sorely missed, dwarf alstroemeria, and my miniature roses.

Oh, my roses. Dead from my depressed neglect. The miniature Black Jade, such a deep, luscious red. The miniature Irrestible, creamy white with a faint clove scent. The miniature Little Sunset, a harlequin of pinks, reds and yellows. The miniature Moon River, delicate pink with a vivacious, outrageous scent for its size. Beautiful little roses with a flower head the size of a 50c piece.

Their empty, barren pots and planters reproach me, every day.

With a creative hat on, and tried and true techniques, the food scraps from my meal prepping go into brown paper bags, what I think of as “compost bags”. These get buried at the bottom of a plant pot, then the soil is replenished with supplements of dried, matured manure, trace elements, blood and bone, powdered eggshells, and Seamungus, an organic pellet fertiliser. By the time these pots have matured soil that won’t burn delicate little roots, I’ll have a newfangled Bluetooth connected water timer tap, and little irrigation lines run to those pots, and then it’s time for planting.

Alyssum and coriander, to bring the pollinators. Wormwood, to keep the possums away. Chard and kale, in the right season, for folate, perpetual spinach, radish, salad greens, parsley, mint, nasturtiums, spring onions. All in pots on the kitchen verandah.

The bins, then, to be rejuvenated, for sweet potatoes.

Then there also the big raised cyprus planter boxes, 600mm  x 600mm – four of them. Once rejuvenated, maybe another pineapple, maybe an aloe vera, maybe a wildflower seed mix. These are exposed to full sun, so these plants must be very hardy, and well catered.

That’s my plan, the creation of my new garden, food and flowers.

And all planned in a spreadsheet, of course. This is my autism. Plant, weeks to harvest,  aerial plants and root plants alternating season by season, what’s in which pot with what companion plants, watering needs, nutrition needs.

Autistic creativity takes many forms.

What does your creativity look like?

The Forde Inquiry and the forgotten, adoption and genetic inheritance

(or, how I got to be me)

This is the story of my biological parents and my genetic inheritance. First, though, some background on “the forgotten” – those who were thrown into orphanages and detention centres and… forgotten – including my biological parents.

In June 1999, the report of the Commission of Inquiry into Abuse of Children in Queensland Institutions was tabled in the Queensland Parliament.

It covered the period from 1911 to 1999, examining records from more than 150 orphanages and detention centres, and evidence given by more than 300 people. The Commission of Inquiry found significant evidence of abuse and neglect of children in the past. (https://fordefoundation.org.au/resources/the-forde-inquiry/)

What was not investigated, because it was not in the terms of reference of the Forde Inquiry, was the forgotten who were put into psychiatric wards because of their behaviour.

Imagine this. In 1971, in a psychiatric hospital in southern Queensland, two patients in their 20s met, fell in love, pledged themselves to each other, and conceived a child. Once her pregnancy was discovered by hospital staff, he was transferred to another facility, the Challinor Centre, in south-east Queensland, while she remained in the same psychiatric hospital, Bailey Henderson, alone, having had her love ripped away from her. Her pregnancy developed, and on 5 April, 1972, she gave birth to baby girl.

Within two weeks, that infant had been removed from her mother, transferred to
the Warialda home in Brisbane, and prepared for fostering and adoption. Her mother remained at the hospital, now having had two loves ripped away from her.
Two lovers, forcibly separated, and an infant in an unknown location, being given to someone else.

All hope was lost.

That is the story of my biological parents, and me. It continues.


In 2003, I searched for,  and found, both my biological mother and father.

In 2004, my biological mother and father saw each other for the first time in 33 years.

In 2005, they married.

In 2024, the lovers are separated once more, with him in a secure nursing home with dementia of the Alzheimers type, and her,  with emotional and physical frailty, in a different nursing home.

Underlying this, like a discordant threnody, lies the falsehoods that saw the mother and father
institutionalised while very young.

She went in before the age of 10, with borderline schizophrenia.

He went in at 11, with schizophrenia and borderline mental retardation. They both got out of the system, and to this day, are not on medication for schizophrenia, indicating they never had the condition in the first place.

In the mid-20th century, especially during the 1940s and 1950s, there was a significant lack of understanding and knowledge about autism. Many children who today would be recognized as autistic were often misdiagnosed or misunderstood. Terms like “borderline mental retardation” and “childhood schizophrenia” were commonly used to describe behaviors and conditions that we now recognize as part of the autism spectrum.

So it’s entirely possible that both of my biological parents are neurodivergent, with either ADHD, autism, or both. My biological father was surrendered as a ward of the state by his parents, and what is described of his behaviour matches a PDA response. My biological mother was a quiet, reserved child, often “away with the fairies”, detested by her adopted mother, and was committed to the psychiatric hospital by her adoptive parents. That sounds an awful lot like the inattentive ADHD type.

In the “pick up sticks” process of meiosis, when DNA from both parents is jumbled and shuffled to create the zygote that then becomes an embryo, which then becomes  a foetus, and then becomes a baby, it was almost a dead certainty that their child, me, would be neurodivergent; autistic, in fact.

Experts posit that autism is a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Environmental factors would include whatever drugs she was taking in that hospital, both before and after they knew she was pregnant. There wouldn’t have been a folate supplement, or any of the things that are recommended for intending and expectant mothers today.

Research into and knowledge about autism has come a long way since then, but mostly relevant only for five year old white boys. The gaps in knowledge about autism and girls, autism and ethnicity,  and autism and aging are still wide, and the DSM-5-TR diagnosis criteria are still looking at the male  presentation of autism.

All we can do is keep speaking up, advocating, participating in research and making the most of every single day. Autism is more than Autism Awareness Day, Week or Month. Autism is for life.

RSD, PDA and sensory seeking

In this post,  I’d like you to take a walk with me.  Engage your imagination, then engage your empathy and open your mind to possibility and potential.

Imagine this scenario.  Two pre-teen girls, the best of friends, having a sleepover. Or, close to midnight, not sleeping but having a snack and ceaseless chatter behind a closed bedroom door.

They hear bumps and thumps, and one girl yells out to her younger brother to stop being creepy and to stop eavesdropping.

On hearing this,  the younger brother bursts into the room, limping with a moonboot on his right foot. He trips on a bag left by the door, and falls on to the floor, arms reaching out to break his fall.

One girl screams, thinking he was reaching for her. This brings Mum to the bedroom door, where she sees her son on the floor, raging, and her daughter and her daughter’s best friend, huddled on the bed, as far away from the boy as they can get.

Mum tells the girls to go into the lounge room, and they dart around the boy to get out of the bedroom.

Mum leaves the boy where he is, to wear himself out, and brings the girls’ bags out to them, suggesting that the friend’s dad could come and get them, to continue the sleepover at her home. The friend is nearly hysterical, thinking she had nearly been attacked.

Her dad arrives and both girls race out to his car.

The boy has gotten himself up and appears in the lounge room just as the front door closes behind the door. He is shouting and swearing, words unintelligible as they run together in his agitation, and he is hitting his head with his hands and stamping on the floor with his moonboot.

It’s a stark scenario, isn’t it? So let’s add that the mum and the daughter have ADHD, and the boy has autism. How does your perspective of this scenario change?

Could the timbre, pitch, tone and volume of the girls’ chatter have triggered sensory issues for the boy?

Could the closed door have triggered rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) for the boy?

Could the closed door have triggered pathological demand avoidance (PDA) for the boy?

What sensory seeking issues are present in behaviour involving the moonboot, such as stamping the foot and the possible aggravation of  injury that required the moonboot for the boy?

What do his mum and his sister understand about their autistic son and brother?

What do his mum and sister understand about their own ADHD?

At the age of 11, what does the girl experience if she has RSD and is experiencing the desire to fit in with her friends and deal with peer pressure?

What does the girls’ departure do for the boy’s RSD?

What if we have a family that is a single, widowed mum with ADHD, diagnosed when her daughter was diagnosed,  with two neurodivergent children, working full-time, managing her grief,  a full time job to support her family, and self-managing three NDIS accounts?

It’s a stark scenario, whichever way you look at it.

Autism doesn’t end on 30 April, the end of Autism Awareness Month. Autism awareness, just like autism, is a 24/7 issue for families and friends or autistic people, just like it is for autistic people themselves, adults and children

How do you, or how can you, support the autistic people in your life?

Footnote, courtesy of ChatGPT:

RSD is primarily associated with intense emotional reactions to perceived rejection or criticism. People with RSD might be hypersensitive to social cues and might overreact to situations where they feel criticized or judged, even if the criticism is not intended or is minor.

PDA is characterized by an extreme aversion to demands and expectations. Individuals with PDA often resist and avoid tasks or requests, sometimes to an extent that significantly impacts their daily functioning. This behavior is typically not driven by fear of rejection but rather a need to maintain control and autonomy.

Sensory seeking traits in autism refer to behaviors and preferences where individuals actively seek out or crave sensory input in various ways. These sensory seeking behaviors are part of the broader sensory processing differences commonly observed in individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

Here are some common sensory seeking traits in autism:

Tactile Sensory Seeking: This involves seeking out tactile sensations such as touching, rubbing, or feeling different textures. Individuals may enjoy touching specific objects or surfaces, or they may seek deep pressure sensations by hugging or pressing against objects.

Visual Sensory Seeking: Some individuals with autism may be drawn to visual stimuli and seek out bright lights, spinning objects, or visually stimulating patterns. They may engage in repetitive visual behaviors like staring at moving objects or watching spinning objects.

Auditory Sensory Seeking: This involves seeking out auditory stimuli such as loud noises, music, or specific sounds. Some individuals may enjoy listening to music at a high volume or repeatedly making loud vocalizations.

Vestibular Sensory Seeking: This relates to seeking movement and vestibular input. Individuals may enjoy activities like swinging, spinning, jumping, or rocking back and forth to experience movement-related sensory input.

Proprioceptive Sensory Seeking: Proprioception refers to the sense of body position and movement. Some individuals with autism may seek proprioceptive input by engaging in activities that provide deep pressure or joint compression, such as squeezing into tight spaces or carrying heavy objects.

Olfactory and Gustatory Sensory Seeking: This involves seeking out specific smells or tastes. Individuals may have strong preferences for certain foods based on their sensory characteristics or may enjoy smelling or tasting non-food items.These sensory seeking traits can vary widely among individuals with autism and may change over time or in different environments.

Understanding and addressing these sensory needs and preferences are essential in creating supportive environments and developing effective interventions to help individuals with autism thrive and engage more comfortably in daily activities.

Autism and synaesthesia- is there a link?

Imagine, that for you, Tuesday always tastes salty and is white, or that the number eight is always sad. That’s a brief introduction to synaesthesia. The etymology of the word is Greek in origin meaning “perceiving together”. Senses blurring to give taste, colour or emotion to words.

Jazz musician Peter Cincotti wrote a song, “The Country Life”, and I can hear the presence of synaesthesia in the lyrics.

The Country Life, by Peter Cincotti

Time can fly, and days go by
It speeds, we can’t control
It’s been thirty years of city life
And now we’re growing old
There’s nothing more we needed for
And there’s nothing left to do
So let’s spend the autumn years ahead of us
Like the summers of our youth
I never knew how much we had back then
But it’s not too late to have it all again
I wanna wake up to the music
Of hummingbirds and harmony
I wanna feel the morning sunlight
Filling up the room
I wanna listen to the silence
That’s singing through the scenery
I wanna smell the roses of our love
The day they bloomed
Let’s go back and find
The simple world we knew
Cause I still wanna live again
The country life with you
Country life with you
Taxi cabs and traffic jams
Subways on the ground
Don’t you miss the days when all we hear
The nature’s quiet sounds
I’m tired of just remembering
When their memories left to make
Just you and me in a hundred miles
Of greenery and lake
Oh, take me to that peaceful place I miss
‘Cause I can’t spend another day like this
I wanna wake up to the music
Of hummingbirds and harmony
I wanna feel the morning sunlight
Filling up the room
I wanna listen to the silence
Singing through the scenery
I wanna smell the roses of our love
The day they bloomed
Let’s go back and find
The simple world we knew
‘Cause I still wanna live again
The country life with you
Don’t it let be another thing
You always meant to do
Just let me live again
The country life with you
Country life with you

When you read the lyrics, it reads normally, but when I hear the song, to me, the metaphors describe a synaesthetic experience. Maybe that’s because the only time my synaesthesia comes out is when I’m writing in a stream of consciousness, and my inner voice narrates it. I’ve written a passage about daffodils marching to a syncopated beat that is purple, from nodding flower heads in a breeze. Why is the beat purple? I don’t know; it just is. And some guitar riffs are red, some are black and some are blue. My synaesthesia seems to completely related to music. It’s just another aspect of my autism.

That’s in a positive sense. In a clinical sense, some clinicians would see that as a hallucination. But blending of the senses is just another sensory processing difference.

Synaesthesia is not exclusive to autism, but autistic people are more likely to experience synaesthesia.

When I asked ChatGPT about links between synaesthesia and autism, this is how it closed the five hundred words I requested.  “… the realms of synaesthesia and autism offer a glimpse into the vast spectrum of human perception and cognition. Rather than viewing these differences as deficits, we should celebrate neurodiversity and embrace the unique ways in which individuals experience the world.

“By fostering understanding, conducting research, and tailoring interventions to individual strengths and preferences, we can create a more inclusive and enriching environment for everyone.”

And for someone else’s experience of synaesthesia, there’s this from the Canadian Western University’s  “Thrive Online” blog – https://uwo.ca/se/thrive/blog/2021/the_interesting_connection_between_autism_and_synesthesia.html

So if we’re talking and it seems like my focus is suddenly elsewhere, ask me what song I’m hearing and what colour it is.

Executive dysfunction – my way

For 45+ years, I have been castigated, and self-castigated, for my inability to keep my room/ rooms/ desk/ home clean and tidy. That’s how my executive dysfunction manifests. I may have periods of a special interest where I can do a cleaning spree, but then it will fall back to executive dysfunction.

What does a sporadic special interest in cleaning look like? It’s when I know the chemistry and delight in making my own products,  using my knowledge of kitchen chemistry and aromatherapy.  It’s when I take base produce,  unscented,  and use aromatherapy to give them my signature scent,  or maybe a specific essential blend for a specific situation, such as mould.

Otherwise,  however,  my personal brand of executive dysfunction combined with object permanence means untidiness and clutter. Internalised ableism from a lifetime of masking and pretending to be what I was not creates a cruel inner voice.

This is the damage of undiagnosed autism. Parents remonstrate, real estate property managers write bad reports and managers down grade your annual performance appraisal.

So how am I going to deal with it? Like this.  I have four polypropylene shopping bags,  2 black,  2 white.  Each one has been labelled – upstairs,  downstairs,  rubbish,  recyclables. And with a timer set for 20 minutes,  pick a pile of shame and go for 20 minutes, filling those bags up.  After 20 minutes,  stop.  Go and deal with the contents of the bags. Throw stuff into the correct bin,  take stuff upstairs or downstairs, where it needs to go. Wash hands,  have a glass of water,  and that’s one little bit done.

I’ve beaten back executive dysfunction in my cooking.  Now it’s time to triumph with my executive dysfunction and set routines to help me be a better,  autistic,  me.

Gender bias in autism research

I intended this blog post to be about the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system, getting locked in fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode,  and the mind body connection.

In doing my research for this,  I came across a piece that  yelled, “Stop the press!”

Many in the autism community say that there is likely a high rate of under- or mis-diagnosis for autistic women. Why? Because autistic girls present differently to autistic boys, and the diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5-TR is based on typically male presentation of autism.

This article,  reporting research that was presented to a symposium is entirely representative of that.

“The pupils of preschool-age children with autism are slow to constrict in response to light, according to results from two unpublished studies presented … at the 2016 International Meeting for Autism Research in Baltimore. The findings suggest that the pupillary reflex could serve as an early indicator of autism risk.” https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/delayed-pupil-response-to-light-may-be-early-sign-of-autism/

This study was based on pupil response to watching cartoons. Of the 104 children observed in this study, aged between 2 and 6, half were autistic and half were “developing typically”.

But all 104 were boys.

Now, this was in 2016. Three years later, in a study looking at pupillometry, visual perception, and ASD features in a task switching paradigm, this was included in the recommendations:

“While sex-differences was not the central focus of the current research, future studies across the BAP should continue to explore differences in neurobiological correlates such as pupil response and phenotypic variability between males and females.”

(DiCriscio, A.S., Hu, Y. & Troiani, V. Brief Report: Pupillometry, Visual Perception, and ASD Features in a Task-Switching Paradigm. J Autism Dev Disord 49, 5086–5099 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-019-04213-8)

Gender bias is prevalent.  https://www.edgehill.ac.uk/news/2023/08/fewer-females-may-be-diagnosed-with-autism-due-to-gender-bias-new-research-suggests/#:~:text=News%20story-,Fewer%20females%20may%20be%20diagnosed%20with%20autism,gender%20bias%2C%20new%20research%20suggests&text=Fewer%20females%20may%20be%20diagnosed%20with%20autism%20due%20to%20misconceptions,condition%2C%20new%20research%20has%20found.

FEMALE AUTISM IS REAL. It’s time,  past time,  to reflect this in diagnostic criteria and research.

So, well, I don’t know

This is a personal reflection on my experience of,  and learning about autism.  I have committed to a blog post,  every day,  for the month of April,  as my commitment to Autism Awareness Month. In this post, we will look at denial, interoception, and  alexithymia.

Most people would know what denial is – from the childhood state of being tired but claiming that you are not tired, to the adult state of saying you’re fine,  but you’re not.

Interoception is the body’s alarm system, the helper in your head that tells you how you are feeling; hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, need to go to the loo. It’s our internal awareness and alarm of bodily sensations, functions and emotions.

Alexithymia is when you have trouble identifying, understanding, and expressing your feelings. For me, before I was diagnosed, this made itself apparent in my grief before (anticipatory grief) and after becoming a widow. Sadness, yes, but any other emotion was bewildering. 

Masking, camouflaging, is an incredibly damaging state that autistic, and other neurodivergent, people engage in order to fit in with “normal” society. It requires mental energy, physical energy and social energy. 

What can it be like? There are a number of challenges in social media, where the challenge is to not react in any way when a hit song is played. Think about how hard it is to not twitch your shoulders,  shimmy your hips,  tap your feet, thrash your head when a favourite song comes on.  Stopping  a stim (self-stimulatory behaviour) is significantly more challenging, and more energy-depleting, than not reacting to a favourite song.

But that can be what masking is, stopping or transferring a stim. For me,  it’s running a rhythm with my fingers in a repetitive pattern, or tapping my teeth in a rhythm. It can also be about the language we use.

My big inner revelation about my autism, just this morning, was just how much I mask. So much of my communication, written and verbal, is prefaced with softening words, such as “so” and “well”. I was typing something in a chat this morning, and started to type in “so”. My inner voice spoke up, loud and clear. “Don’t do that. Doing that hides your intelligence, your literacy, your autism.”

Mic drop for the inner voice, and instant tears and grief for the 4-year-old girl I was in 1976, and all the masking, the camouflaging of her true nature that she had to do to become 51-year-old me, discovering my autism just months ago.

It’s as if my “heart knowledge” and “head knowledge” have finally aligned about my autism.

So today, (see, there it is again!), my interoception is working for me, alexithymia is absent, denial is in abatement and, I’m okay. I’m shaky, after such a big revelation, my heartbeat is a little elevated, but I’m okay. And that’s good enough for today.

Happy Autism Awareness Month

Did you know that our autistic brains are actually built and wired differently? And every autistic brain is different. From cortex, neocortex, amygdala, hippocampus, even the corpus callosum.

But, feminism again – female autistic brains appear to have more/better structure and integrity of the corpus callosum than male autistic brains. What does the corpus callosum do? It’s the white matter that connects the two hemispheres of the brain. So female autism appears different to male autism.

https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/brain-structure-changes-in-autism-explained/#:~:text=Compared%20with%20their%20non%2Dautistic,in%20their%20non%2Dautistic%20peers.

Meal plans,  budget eats and executive function

Last week was week 10 of meal planning and prepping. This is achieving my goals of reigniting my love of cooking,  overcoming autistic executive function issues and eating better.

On the menu last week was apple fritters with coconut yoghurt for breakfast,  and a version of a Cobb salad for lunch.   The bill from Aldi was $31.70, and those purchases, along with what I had in the pantry and freezer,  yielded six lunches and 6 breakfasts.

This version of a Cobb had cos (romaine) lettuce, boiled eggs,  roasted pumpkin, avocado, feta, bacon, and marinated crocodile meat. Why modify the classic Cobb salad? Because of food sensitivities – the roasted pumpkin replaced the tomato. Because of economies – the crocodile meat was in the freezer. Because of preference – I don’t like blue cheese as the  texture is a sensory issue, so feta was a good,  sharp,  substitute.

Apple fritters, or apple pancakes, if you like, weree made using a bought pancake mix,  gluten free, 4 Granny Smith apples, grated, 280ml water,  1/2 cup of rice flour,  an egg and vanilla paste.  It made 18 pancakes – three got eaten as quality control… they weren’t perfect, but they were good enough for me. Two pancakes plus two spoons of coconut yoghurt made a perfect breakfast.

So what do I have planned for week 11?

A breakfast oat bake with berries, and a “super” coconut yoghurt.  “Super” coconut yoghurt is a vanilla  yoghurt with enough vegan chocolate protein powder in it to make it thick like a  chocolate mousse.

Lunches this week will be premade coleslaw, from a bag that says 5 serves.  To that,  I’ll add chicken,  apples, onions, avocado and sultanas. Diced chicken thigh fillets marinated in a honey soy sauce should provide a pop of flavour,  and extend the coleslaw beyond 5 serves. 

And all for $40.39, plus what’s in the pantry and freezer.

For the coleslaw dressing… from the freezer,  a cauliflower “mayonnaise” I made,  mixed with some left over blue cheese dressing from last week.

What’s cauliflower “mayonnaise”? A cauliflower head,  chopped and cooked in the pressure cooker,  then blitzed in the food processor with a little bit of coconut yoghurt,  honey, and mustard powder, and a little water to get to the right consistency. It made very big batch,  so I froze what I didn’t need.

For snacks,  I’ll pack cheese and rice crackers,  and grapes or  a plum. It’s late in the season for plums,  but they are still so good to eat.

So here’s to being autistic, using your autistic strengths to overcome autistic deficits and cheap, nutritious meals.