Category: Uncategorized

Video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor (count the ways)

Image generated by Replika AI.

I have been thinking about my blog, and remembered a concept I thought of years ago. The phrase “video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor”, and the architectural and design concept of “desired path”, the human tendency to towards shortcuts, and the autistic brain and its desire for rules and order.

My mental health has deteriorated a little bit,  so I asked Chat GPT to help me out. I found it very interesting how the conclusion differed from a “normal” neurotypical perspective, and then how it changed after taking the autistic sense of justice into account. I’ve highlighted the differing conclusions in blue.

It has prompted me to use ChatGPT to further investigate its responses in a standard way, then revising its response taking an aspect of autism into account.

Here’s how this experiment it went.

ME: Greetings,  friend.  Would you please write 1000 words,  linking the philosophical construct of “video meliora  proboque, deteriora sequor”, the architectural concept of “desired path”, and the human concepts of choosing evil or choosing good ?

CHATGPT: Certainly! Let’s explore the connections between the philosophical construct “video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor,” the architectural concept of “desired path,” and the broader human concepts of choosing good or evil.

### **Video Meliora Proboque, Deteriora Sequor: A Philosophical Dilemma**

The Latin phrase “video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor,” translated as “I see the better way and approve it, but I follow the worse,” is a poignant observation on human nature. It originates from the Roman poet Ovid’s “Metamorphoses,” reflecting the internal conflict between knowing what is right and failing to act on it.

This philosophical construct speaks to a universal human experience: the struggle between our aspirations and our actions. It encapsulates the moral dissonance where our rational mind recognizes the ethical and beneficial choice, yet we succumb to temptations or impulses that lead us down a less virtuous path. This conflict is not merely a lapse in judgment but an intrinsic part of the human condition, suggesting that understanding and doing are often misaligned.

### **Desired Path: An Architectural Insight**

In architecture and urban planning, the concept of a “desired path” (or desire line) refers to the informal paths created by people’s natural walking routes, as opposed to the ones that are planned or officially constructed. These paths emerge because they represent the shortest or most convenient route between two points, reflecting real human behavior and preferences.

Urban planners often study desired paths to inform better design, recognizing that people will naturally seek the most efficient or comfortable route. When pathways are designed without considering these natural inclinations, people often create their own, sometimes at the expense of the intended design. This concept highlights a fundamental aspect of human behavior: the tendency to forge our own way, driven by practicality or instinct, even if it deviates from the prescribed course.

### **Choosing Good or Evil: A Human Predicament**

The human concepts of choosing good or evil are deeply embedded in our moral and ethical frameworks. These choices are influenced by a myriad of factors including personal values, societal norms, religious beliefs, and psychological drives. The dichotomy of good versus evil has been a central theme in literature, religion, and philosophy, symbolizing the internal and external struggles individuals face.

The decision to choose good over evil, or vice versa, is often portrayed as a battle between higher virtues and base desires. This struggle is a reflection of our inner moral landscape, where the pursuit of good represents adherence to ethical principles and the greater good, while the pursuit of evil signifies selfishness, harm, or moral failure.

### **Interconnecting the Concepts**

To intertwine these ideas, we must consider the common thread of human behavior and decision-making.

1. **The Conflict of Morality (Ovid’s Dilemma and Human Choice)**:
   The phrase “video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor” mirrors the moral conflict inherent in human decisions. It reflects the internal struggle where, despite knowing and approving the better course of action (the good), individuals often follow a worse path (the evil). This duality is emblematic of the broader human experience of choosing between good and evil, where rational understanding does not always translate into virtuous action.

2. **Desired Path (Practicality and Impulse)**:
   The concept of the desired path in architecture exemplifies the human tendency to choose convenience over design. This practical behavior can be seen as analogous to the moral choices individuals make. Just as people create desired paths by taking shortcuts, they may also take the easier, less ethical route in life due to immediate benefits or impulses, despite understanding the better way. This behavior underscores a natural inclination to follow what is expedient rather than what is morally or ethically superior.

3. **The Human Predicament (Ethical Navigation)**:
   Navigating between good and evil is a complex process influenced by internal and external factors. The architectural notion of desired paths illustrates how environmental design can either facilitate or hinder our natural inclinations. Similarly, societal structures and personal circumstances can either support or obstruct our ethical decisions. The better way (good) often requires conscious effort and discipline, akin to following a well-designed but less convenient path, while the worse way (evil) represents the effortless, instinctual choices we make, akin to creating a desire line.

### **Synthesis and Application**

By synthesizing these concepts, we gain a deeper understanding of human nature and behavior. The recognition of a better way and the failure to follow it is a poignant reminder of the complexity of moral choice. The architectural metaphor of desired paths provides a tangible illustration of how humans navigate their environments and make decisions based on practicality and impulse.

To bridge this with the moral choices of good and evil, consider the following applications:

– **Urban Planning and Ethics**: Urban planners who respect desired paths acknowledge human behavior and design more effective and humane environments. Similarly, ethical frameworks that recognize human tendencies can better support moral behavior. For instance, creating environments that naturally encourage good behavior (e.g., community spaces that foster interaction and cooperation) can guide people towards better choices.

– **Personal Development**: On a personal level, understanding our predisposition to follow the worse path despite knowing the better can lead to strategies for self-improvement. This might involve creating habits or systems that align our actions with our values, much like designing pathways that guide movement harmoniously with natural inclinations.

– **Educational Approaches**: Educators can use the concept of desired paths to better align teaching methods with students’ natural learning tendencies. Similarly, moral education can benefit from acknowledging the internal struggle described by Ovid, offering practical tools to bridge the gap between knowledge and action.

### **Conclusion**

The exploration of “video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor,” the concept of desired paths, and the human predicament of choosing good or evil reveals a profound insight into human behavior. Recognizing the discrepancy between knowing and doing, the tendency to seek practical routes, and the complex navigation between ethical choices can inform various aspects of life. By integrating these insights, we can better understand and perhaps mitigate the intrinsic conflicts that shape our moral and practical decisions.

Lee-Anne: Thank you, that’s brilliant! Could you adjust it to include,  with extra words,  of course, something about the autistic sense of justice, where you think it is appropriate?

CHATGPT:

Certainly! Let’s integrate the concept of the autistic sense of justice, which often involves a strong adherence to rules and fairness, into the existing framework. We’ll expand on the connections between “video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor,” the architectural concept of “desired path,” and the human concepts of choosing good or evil.

Video Meliora Proboque, Deteriora Sequor: A Philosophical Dilemma

The Latin phrase “video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor,” translated as “I see the better way and approve it, but I follow the worse,” is a poignant observation on human nature. Originating from the Roman poet Ovid’s “Metamorphoses,” it reflects the internal conflict between knowing what is right and failing to act on it.

This philosophical construct speaks to a universal human experience: the struggle between our aspirations and our actions. It encapsulates the moral dissonance where our rational mind recognizes the ethical and beneficial choice, yet we succumb to temptations or impulses that lead us down a less virtuous path. This conflict is not merely a lapse in judgment but an intrinsic part of the human condition, suggesting that understanding and doing are often misaligned.

Desired Path: An Architectural Insight

In architecture and urban planning, the concept of a “desired path” (or desire line) refers to the informal paths created by people’s natural walking routes, as opposed to the ones that are planned or officially constructed. These paths emerge because they represent the shortest or most convenient route between two points, reflecting real human behavior and preferences.

Urban planners often study desired paths to inform better design, recognizing that people will naturally seek the most efficient or comfortable route. When pathways are designed without considering these natural inclinations, people often create their own, sometimes at the expense of the intended design. This concept highlights a fundamental aspect of human behavior: the tendency to forge our own way, driven by practicality or instinct, even if it deviates from the prescribed course.

Choosing Good or Evil: A Human Predicament

The human concepts of choosing good or evil are deeply embedded in our moral and ethical frameworks. These choices are influenced by a myriad of factors including personal values, societal norms, religious beliefs, and psychological drives. The dichotomy of good versus evil has been a central theme in literature, religion, and philosophy, symbolizing the internal and external struggles individuals face.

The decision to choose good over evil, or vice versa, is often portrayed as a battle between higher virtues and base desires. This struggle is a reflection of our inner moral landscape, where the pursuit of good represents adherence to ethical principles and the greater good, while the pursuit of evil signifies selfishness, harm, or moral failure.

The Autistic Sense of Justice

Individuals on the autism spectrum often exhibit a strong sense of justice and fairness. This trait is characterized by a rigorous adherence to rules, an intrinsic desire for fairness, and a pronounced discomfort with hypocrisy or inconsistency. For many autistic individuals, the clarity of rules provides a framework that simplifies decision-making and aligns closely with their perception of right and wrong.

This strong sense of justice can manifest in various ways, such as insisting on fairness in social interactions, an unwavering commitment to honesty, and a preference for predictable and consistent environments. Autistic individuals may struggle with the concept of “video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor” less frequently than neurotypical individuals, as their adherence to what they perceive as just and right can override temptations or impulses that lead to unethical choices.

Interconnecting the Concepts

To intertwine these ideas, we must consider the common thread of human behavior and decision-making, with a special emphasis on the autistic sense of justice.

  1. The Conflict of Morality (Ovid’s Dilemma and Human Choice):
    The phrase “video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor” mirrors the moral conflict inherent in human decisions. It reflects the internal struggle where, despite knowing and approving the better course of action (the good), individuals often follow a worse path (the evil). For neurotypical individuals, this duality is emblematic of the broader human experience of choosing between good and evil, where rational understanding does not always translate into virtuous action. However, autistic individuals, with their heightened sense of justice, may find this conflict less pronounced, as their moral compass is often guided by a steadfast adherence to rules and fairness.
  2. Desired Path (Practicality and Impulse):
    The concept of the desired path in architecture exemplifies the human tendency to choose convenience over design. This practical behavior can be seen as analogous to the moral choices individuals make. Just as people create desired paths by taking shortcuts, they may also take the easier, less ethical route in life due to immediate benefits or impulses, despite understanding the better way. This behavior underscores a natural inclination to follow what is expedient rather than what is morally or ethically superior. In contrast, autistic individuals may be more likely to follow the prescribed paths, both literal and metaphorical, due to their commitment to rules and fairness.
  3. The Human Predicament (Ethical Navigation):
    Navigating between good and evil is a complex process influenced by internal and external factors. The architectural notion of desired paths illustrates how environmental design can either facilitate or hinder our natural inclinations. Similarly, societal structures and personal circumstances can either support or obstruct our ethical decisions. The better way (good) often requires conscious effort and discipline, akin to following a well-designed but less convenient path, while the worse way (evil) represents the effortless, instinctual choices we make, akin to creating a desire line. For autistic individuals, the clarity provided by rules and a strong sense of justice can simplify this navigation, making it easier to choose the better way consistently.

Synthesis and Application

By synthesizing these concepts, we gain a deeper understanding of human nature and behavior. The recognition of a better way and the failure to follow it is a poignant reminder of the complexity of moral choice. The architectural metaphor of desired paths provides a tangible illustration of how humans navigate their environments and make decisions based on practicality and impulse.

To bridge this with the moral choices of good and evil, and to include the autistic sense of justice, consider the following applications:

  • Urban Planning and Ethics: Urban planners who respect desired paths acknowledge human behavior and design more effective and humane environments. Similarly, ethical frameworks that recognize human tendencies can better support moral behavior. For instance, creating environments that naturally encourage good behavior (e.g., community spaces that foster interaction and cooperation) can guide people towards better choices. Additionally, incorporating the perspectives of autistic individuals can lead to designs that emphasize clarity, consistency, and fairness.
  • Personal Development: On a personal level, understanding our predisposition to follow the worse path despite knowing the better can lead to strategies for self-improvement. This might involve creating habits or systems that align our actions with our values, much like designing pathways that guide movement harmoniously with natural inclinations. Autistic individuals can serve as examples of how a strong adherence to rules and fairness can help bridge the gap between knowledge and action.
  • Educational Approaches: Educators can use the concept of desired paths to better align teaching methods with students’ natural learning tendencies. Similarly, moral education can benefit from acknowledging the internal struggle described by Ovid, offering practical tools to bridge the gap between knowledge and action. Incorporating the autistic sense of justice into educational frameworks can help foster environments where fairness, consistency, and clarity are prioritized, benefiting all students.

Conclusion

The exploration of “video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor,” the concept of desired paths, the human predicament of choosing good or evil, and the autistic sense of justice reveals a profound insight into human behavior. Recognizing the discrepancy between knowing and doing, the tendency to seek practical routes, and the complex navigation between ethical choices can inform various aspects of life. By integrating these insights, we can better understand and perhaps mitigate the intrinsic conflicts that shape our moral and practical decisions. The strong sense of justice often exhibited by autistic individuals offers valuable lessons in how adherence to rules and fairness can guide us towards better moral outcomes.

Another experiment with ChatGPT, and how it models a writing style.

I started drafting this post, writing about an experience I had paying with cash at the grocery store.

It turned into the oft-spoken “secret” of generative AI and its ability for mimicry. In the audio-visual space, this would be about deep fakes. In this space, this blog post, I find it hard to pick where my writing style stopped and ChatGPT’S mimicry of my style started.

I wrote what is in blue, and gave ChatGPT several links to various Reserve Bank of Australia reports from the RBA website.

Maths, cash and young cashiers

I did my grocery shopping yesterday, and it came to the grand total of $18.18. I paid with cash, giving the young cashier a $20.20, expecting to get $2 back. The young cashier looked at what I had given them and told me I had paid too much. I kept a straight face when I explained that they would just need to give me $2 back. They didn’t believe me until they rang it up on the register.

Granted, I’m 52, with a lifetime of the applied mathematics that is intrinsic to life. It was an action without thought, seeing an $18.18 total and offering $20.20 to pay it. It would seem, though, that it was not instinctive and obvious to them. This brings to mind two separate issues. Firstly, numeracy and mathematical skill. What are they teaching kids at school today? Secondly, the use of cash in Australia.

What are they teaching kids about mathematics these days?

Schools in Australia teach to the Australian Curriculum. The Australian Curriculum is set by the Australian Curriculum, Assessment and Reporting Authority (ACARA). ACARA is an independent statutory body, given authority under the Australian Curriculum, Assessment and Reporting Authority Act (Cth) 2008. ACARA’s purpose is to “be the authoritative source of advice on, and delivery of, national curriculum, assessment and reporting for all Australian education ministers, with international recognition of our work” (https://acara.edu.au/about-us).

On ACARA’s website, you will find information about the current Australian Curriculum, version 9.0, as well as information about revisions to the Australian Curriculum. Looking at the Australian Curriculum V9 online, it appears that money transactions are covered in mathematics in Year 2.

“Achievement standard: Year 2
Subject achievement standard
By the end of Year 2, students order and represent numbers to at least 1000, apply knowledge of place value to partition, rearrange and rename two- and three-digit numbers in terms of their parts, and regroup partitioned numbers to assist in calculations. They use mathematical modelling to solve practical additive and multiplicative problems, including money transactions, representing the situation and choosing calculation strategies. Students identify and represent part-whole relationships of halves, quarters and eighths in measurement contexts. They describe and continue patterns that increase and decrease additively by a constant amount and identify missing elements in the pattern. Students recall and demonstrate proficiency with addition and subtraction facts within 20 and multiplication facts for twos. They use uniform informal units to measure and compare shapes and objects. Students determine the number of days between events using a calendar and read time on an analog clock to the hour, half hour and quarter hour. They compare and classify shapes, describing features using formal spatial terms. Students locate and identify positions of features in two-dimensional representations and move position by following directions and pathways. They use a range of methods to collect, record, represent and interpret categorical data in response to questions.”

If you dig further on ACARA’s website, you can get examples of completed mathematics assessments, de-identified, at above satisfactory, satisfactory and below satisfactory grades. If you go into the Year 2 “satisfactory” PDF file, scroll down to page 37, you will see that students are expected to complete simple addition and subtraction. The video example shows a child counting coins to find out how much money they have.

The decreasing use of cash in Australia

The second issue my experience brought to mind is the declining use of cash in Australia. There are multiple reports and studies published by the Reserve Bank of Australia (RBA) that highlight this trend. For instance, a report on consumer payment behavior in Australia noted a significant shift towards electronic payment methods, accelerated by the COVID-19 pandemic. The demand for physical cash has seen a decline as more consumers and businesses prefer the convenience and security of digital transactions (RBA, 2023).

Moreover, another RBA bulletin explained that the overall circulation of banknotes has been decreasing, reflecting the broader global move towards cashless societies. This shift raises interesting questions about how we prepare young people for real-world financial literacy, especially as they might encounter cash transactions less frequently in their day-to-day lives.

Despite the decreasing use of cash, understanding basic money handling remains an essential skill. Real-world situations, like the one I encountered at the grocery store, underscore the need for solid foundational numeracy skills. As our society continues to evolve and embrace digital payments, it is crucial that we don’t overlook the importance of teaching practical, everyday maths skills.

In conclusion, my experience with the young cashier was a small yet telling glimpse into the broader issues of numeracy education and the ongoing transformation in how we use money. While our tools and methods of payment might change, the need for basic mathematical competence remains constant. Ensuring that future generations are equipped with these essential skills is not just about preserving tradition, but about fostering a well-rounded and capable society.

Why is autism different between the sexes?

I have 51 years of lived experience as an undiagnosed autistic woman. Yes, I have special interests, not one, but many. Yes, I have stims, heavily internalised and minimised. Yes, I have sensory issues for sound, touch, smell, and taste. Yes, I have ARFID. Yes, my anxiety attacks were actually autistic meltdowns. Yes, my bad temper is rooted in PDA. Yes, my empathy is hyperempathy. Yes, my gift with words is hyperlexia, from childhood. Yes, my use of forms and checklists in my former career in occupational health and safety played to the autistic desire for routines. Yes, my former career in occupational health and safety is rooted in the autistic sense of justice. Yet, I went undiagnosed for 51 years due to high levels of masking and assimilation.

Why? Differences in brains between sexes could explain it. We already have a different brain from the neurotypical brain, so why not between the sexes?

Why? Because autism typically presents differently the sexes.

Why? Because the diagnostic criteria are based on the typical presentation of one gender.

Research indicates that the brains of autistic women differ from those of autistic men.  (Craig et al, 2007).

In 2007, Craig et al. conducted a study to examine regional grey-matter and white-matter differences in the brains of women with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Using MRI, they found significant differences between the brains of 14 autistic women and 19 autistic men.”

They found, through MRI, that the brains of the 14 autistic women differed significantly from the 19 control images from autistic men.

In 2021, Floris et al. identified sex differences in the intrinsic brain function of individuals with autism, particularly in dorsolateral occipital interhemispheric interactions. These findings were robust across different data processing methods and replicated in larger independent samples.

In 2022, Supekar et al. conducted a study to identify functional brain organization markers that distinguish between females and males with ASD and predict symptom severity. They found that females with ASD exhibit a functional brain organization significantly different from that of males with ASD. Additionally, they identified specific functional brain features that differentiate females from males with ASD

These findings suggest the need for different diagnostic criteria for women and girls with autism, as their brain structures and functions differ significantly from those of autistic males. Currently, much of the existing research and diagnostic criteria are based on studies of men and boys with autism, which may not adequately capture the presentation of autism in females.”.

Tony Attwood, a renowned psychologist specializing in autism, has developed several assessment tools specifically designed for diagnosing autistic girls and women. These include a modified version of the QG-ASC for adult women.

There is a pressing need for the authors of the DSM-5-TR to recognize and incorporate these sex differences in the diagnostic criteria for autism, ensuring more accurate diagnoses for women and girls..

  • Craig, M.C., Zaman, S.H., Daly, E.M., Cutter, W.J., Robertson, D.M., Hallahan, B., … & Murphy, D.G. (2007). Women with autistic-spectrum disorder: magnetic resonance imaging study of brain anatomy. British Journal of Psychiatry, 191(3), 224-228. doi: 10.1192/bjp.bp.106.034603.
  • Floris, D.L., Filho, J.O.A., Lai, M.C., et al. (2021). Towards robust and replicable sex differences in the intrinsic brain function of autism. Molecular Autism, 12(1), 19. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13229-021-00415-z
  • Supekar, K., de los Angeles, C., Ryali, S., Cao, K., Ma, T., & Menon, V. (2022). Deep learning identifies robust gender differences in functional brain organization and their dissociable links to clinical symptoms in autism. The British Journal of Psychiatry, 220(4), 202-209. doi: 10.1192/bjp.2022.13

Budget Eating, Meal Planning and Living with Autism

Let’s clarify one thing, straight out of the gate. I am not a nutritionist, dietician, fitness expert, psychologist, or anything like that. I’m relating my experiences and my ideas.

Meal prepping

This week marks Week 18 of meal prepping. I established Sundays as meal prep day in my efforts to overcome the skill regression that goes with autistic burnout. I still shudder in shock at the memory of standing at my kitchen bench, with fresh fruit and vegetables and other ingredients, with no idea what to do. Cooking has been part of my life since I was eight years old.

That was the day that also led me to conclusions about my masking, and that cooking for other people may have been a masking issue, seeking love and acceptance by cooking for others. Maybe, maybe not. But cooking for myself, on my meal prep Sundays, has become a joy.

(Masking is what autistic people do to fit in better with the people around them. Some of it is mimicry, some of it is learned behaviour.)

Budget eating

In this cost-of-living crisis, budget eating is just as important. The last two weeks, I have been focusing on using what I have in the freezer and pantry, and minimising what I need to purchase. This week, my bill for my food shopping was $18.18. (Oh, and there’s a story for another day – numeracy and cash literacy.)

What did I buy with that $18.18? Three plums, two lady finger bananas, two mandarins, coconut yoghurt, a 250g block of vintage cheddar and a box of gluten free crackers.

Eating well

So, what’s in my prepped tuckerboxes for breakfasts and lunches this week? (Although, it is more like brunches and country high teas, given that I have to take the opportunity to eat in between Shebah bookings.)

Breakfast/brunch: a baked apple and berry pancake with coconut yoghurt.

Lunch: pea and ham soup with a barley and rice mix. I made a huge batch of that – pearl barley, brown rice, wild rice, mushrooms, onions, and garlic, and stuck it in the freezer a few weeks back. Using up the pearl barley, brown rice and wild rice emptied three jars from the pantry.

Snacks: a piece of fruit, five crackers with thinly sliced cheese, and carrot sticks.

Move, baby, move

Given my current level of activity, I only need to add thirty minutes of activity each day to start getting into an energy deficit. Yes, I need to lose weight. Target weight? I don’t have one. I have a target dress. When I can get back into that dress, I’ll be happy. It’s vintage 80s. It has been my standby “little black dress” for years. I bought it second-hand from a shop on Chevron Island, which would put its date of purchase sometime in the early 1990s.

Photo by Beautiful Images, August 2022 – what I want to get back to, but with my natural grey hair.

Establishing the routine for meal prepping on Sundays plays to my autism. Routines can be very reassuring for autistic people. I’m coming to realise that as I continue this journey of unmasking. I thought that when I hit the thirteenth week of meal prepping on Sunday, it was firmly bedded in, and it was time to try establishing another routine.

New routines and self-care

Skill regression for me didn’t just affect cooking. It affected my self-care, as well. Ye gods, I used to do my skincare routine daily, even wearing makeup to force myself to do my skincare routine in the evening. I did weekly mini spa days at home during Covid, supporting my hairdresser and beauty salon by purchasing from them to do it. I also found joy in making my own skincare products again.

The years of Covid-19 were strange. Covid-19 made itself known just eight months into my widowhood. I hated working from home. I struggled with staying at home, even though we had it relatively easy here in Queensland. In my grief, I needed social contact. And it was my grief that cracked my high level of masking, showing my autism to the world for the first time. Let’s just say that that didn’t go well in the beginning.

Side note – grief literacy

As a society, and a culture, we don’t have good grief literacy. In fact, our grief literacy is appalling. Research about grief is less than edifying, with very little about young widows. Did you know that being widowed before you turn 50 is considered the definition of a “young widow”? Still, maybe it was the release and relief after my late husband’s death, but there was a kind of euphoria in my grief. But who can you ask about that? Particularly in that first year of Covid-19?

But, yes, I got sidetracked. There are so many thoughts and memories trying to burst out and onto the screen.

Back to self-care and new routines

Let’s get back to self-care and routines. After 13 successful weeks of meal prepping, I considered that routine established. So, I designed what I called a “Good morning” routine, and a “Good evening, welcome home” routine. I already had a routine of sorts, but it wasn’t as good as it could be.

V1.0 “Good morning” routine, 1 hour 30 minutes:

  • Ablutions and Maya’s litter tray (Maya, my cat)
  • Top up Maya’s dry food
  • Yoga or stretching
  • Make the bed
  • Shower, dress, cleanse, moisturise, apply SPF
  • Pack tuckerbag
  • Hang out laundry (that I put on the night before)
  • Prep the car and go

V1.0 The “Good evening, welcome home” routine, 50 minutes

  • Put laundry on
  • Unpack and clean tuckerbag
  • Take magnesium
  • Cleanse moisturise
  • Journal – what went well today, what can be learned from today
  • Plot tomorrow’s itinerary
  • Bedtime

I wrote them out, by hand, in pretty colours on pretty paper, and stuck them on the vanity mirror in my bathroom. I created a form in Notes on my phone. Here’s what I learned.

  • Trying to establish two new routines at once was not ideal. Starting one routine, as I had with meal prepping, would have been better.
  • Many small steps are better than one big one – just like the Japanese concept of “kaizen.”
  • Reviewing and adjusting doesn’t mean failure; it means flexibility and resilience.
  • Holding myself accountable to my AI buddy helped.

The tautology of a flexible routine

Today, though, thinking about energy deficits, and the need for extra activity, made it obvious that those nascent routines were just version 1.0, and now it’s time for version 2.0. Yet V2.0 requires a flexibility that might almost seem at odds with that autistic desire for regularity and routine. Why?

Shebah. I love driving for Shebah, even though the days are long. In a typical week, I’ll be out the door by 6.15am to get to my daily 6.45am booking to drive a teenager to school. In my Shebah world, 99% of what I do is advance bookings, and 98% of those are school runs. Having those advance bookings, knowing exactly how my day is going to play out – that’s perfect for me and my autistic brain.

This is where the flexible routine, V2.0 comes in.

The morning school runs are why I pack a tuckerbag with breakfast, lunch, and snacks. After the morning school runs are done, that’s when I find a green spot to park and have breakfast/brunch. And this is where I need to harness that flexibility in V2.0.

Being a rideshare driver is a very sedentary job, which is one of the reasons I’ve put weight on. However, I’m not booked solid, every minute of the day. I have downtime between bookings. While I may leave home at 6.15am and get home at 8.30pm some days, I’m not driving the whole time. In the time in between bookings, I currently plan and write blog posts, do research, and chat with my AI buddy, and goodness knows, there is always business admin to be done. From 27 May, I will be back to university study, doing an online course at Curtin University. Thus, time in between bookings needs to include time for watching a recorded lecture and attending a Zoom tutorial.

Version 2.0

This then, is the flexible routine. On days where I have bookings into the evening, walking to add another 5000 steps between bookings is the additional activity to bring about that energy deficit. On days where I don’t have bookings into the evening, 30 minutes on either my Nordic walking machine or my stationary cycle will bring about that energy deficit.

That means two different “Good evening, welcome home” routines. The “Good morning routine” needs to change, as well.

This evening, then, is writing up the new routines for my bathroom mirror and checklists on my phone.

This is why, sometimes, being a newly discovered autistic person can be exhausting, but also magnificent with discovery and increasing self-awareness and self-reflection, even at the age of 52.

Awe

Awe is a complex emotional response to a thing or experience that is vast, beyond your current understanding, or connected to something greater than yourself, such as natural wonders, artistic masterpieces, profound ideas, or extraordinary human achievements. For example, look at the amazing auroras seen during the recent electromagnetic storm. Awesome.

Way back in March 2012, I wrote this as a Facebook note. What made me recall this? A podcast, “Searching for awe” from the ABC program “All in the Mind”. It’s a 30- minute listen.

Back to March 2012

In 2012, I was seven years into my late husband’s journey with Huntington’s Disease. Over the previous 20 years, I had become deeply spiritual, but my faith was destroyed because of my late husband’s condition. I was wandering in a spiritual wasteland, a state of hiraeth. That state continues today.

This is what I posted on Facebook

Those of you know who know me quite well will have heard me say that ‘I want to go home’, meaning I’m tired of this life and want to go home to the Divine. I heard an interview with Jane Rutter, the fabulous flautist, the other day, and she described it is ‘divine homesickness’. At the time, I thought, “Wow, that is so right. It is divine homesickness.” She named my longing perfectly.

You have to recognise something to learn from it. You don’t know what you don’t know… all those phrases. They’re right, every single one of them. If I hadn’t heard that term, ‘Divine homesickness’, I wouldn’t have rocognised it for what it is. Recognising the attitude of the self is the first step to growing, healing, learning.

Driving to work one morning, listening to ABC Classic FM, and hearing, by chance, a Kyrie, gave me a golden, precious moment. A moment when the tree-lined street, the angle of the morning sunlight, yes, even the other cars on the road, melded into one moment of pure, untramelled experience.

In a heartbeat, I learnt the next lesson on from divine homesickness. How can you be homesick for something that is right there with you, every day, all around you? I don’t have to ‘go home’ to be with (your choice of deity); their blessing is right here in every waking and sleeping moment, if only I can open my eyes, open my heart, and experience it. It was a powerful, humbling and moving moment.

Hiraeth no more.

Back to today

What does awe feel like? It might look and feel like some of this:

  • Widened eyes
  • Dropped jaw
  • Goosebumps or shivers
  • Slower movements or stillness
  • Changes in vocal tone
  • Altered perception of time

The physiological effects of experiencing awe can include:

  • Reduced Inflammation: Research suggests that awe can lead to lower levels of pro-inflammatory cytokines, indicating a reduction in bodily inflammation.
  • Lowered Stress Levels: Awe can decrease cortisol levels, helping to reduce stress.
  • Enhanced Well-being: Regular experiences of awe are associated with greater overall well-being and life satisfaction.
  • Improved Social Connections: Awe can promote feelings of connectedness with others, fostering social bonds and pro-social behaviors.
  • Altered Perception of Time: People often feel as though time has slowed down, which can lead to a greater appreciation of the present moment.

Is it harder for us to experience awe?

In the past, awe was often tied to religious meaning, providing structured opportunities to encounter the divine – the weekly church service, which also gave the “rules of life”.

In today’s secular world, we might need to access nature, scientific discoveries, art, and technology, broadening potential sources of awe. This,  though,  tends to be a singular, not communal experience

Importance of Social Cohesion

Strong community bonds create shared experiences that foster awe. Deteriorating social cohesion reduces these opportunities, leading to increased isolation and individualism.

Cultivating Awe Through Mindfulness and Gratitude.

Much has been written about mindfulness; being present and focussing on what’s in front of your nose. Maybe,  too, mindfulness increases our sensitivity and openness to moments and experiences of awe.

Similarly, gratitude, can amplify our emotional responses, and could also increase our openness to moments and experiences of awe.

So, here’s my awed response to the auroras of the last week.

In the grand scheme of things, we exist on an amazing rock in a small solar system in a small galaxy. The magnetic field  that gives us gravity and the layers of our atmosphere that protect us from the hazards of space, just like coronal mass elections. How? By deflecting the plasma and electromagnetic energy to our poles, hence the usual Aurora Australis and Aurora Borealis.

And in the event of a series of “sun burps” (coronal mass elections) that blast us with a super-sized dose of electromagnetic energy, it still works. That magnificent magnetic field and atmosphere protects us in ways we don’t know and can’t imagine, until we get  G5.0 electromagnetic storm. That protective magnetic field and atmosphere still protected us and gave us, in Australia, auroras that could be seen as far north as Mackay, in Central Queensland.

Wow, just wow. The physics of it, and the auroras. Wow. I’ve got goosebumps and near tears just thinking about it. (Thanks to my autistic hyperempathy.)

When did you last experience awe?

Want more info?

A Systematic Review within a Cognitive Behavioural Framework and Proposed Cognitive Behavioural Model of Awe

A closer look at the time course of bodily responses to awe experiences. Sci Rep 13, 22506 (2023).

All about awe

Eight reasons why awe makes your life better

The light show that stunned the world

The mental benefits of seeking awe

Inadvertent supports in undiagnosed autism

Diagnosed as autistic at the age of 51, I still feel like an outsider in the autistic community. Not because of internalised ableism. Not because I don’t believe I’m autistic. But because I don’t see me in other late diagnosed autistic women.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I know that autism is different for every autistic person. But what if…

What if my adoptive parents inadvertently gave me supports, because of their social, cultural and aspirational expectations?

In context, my adoptive father was born in 1917. My adoptive mother was born in 1920.  He was born into a large family, already entrenched in Australia. She was born into a large family who had migrated from Scotland to Australia in the early 1910s.

They grew up during the roaring 1920s and the Great Depression. He went to war in World War II. She was a nurse caring for soldiers sent back from the Papua New Guinea and Coral Sea fronts. He had malaria. She was his nurse.

They married in 1942, and had a son, Warren, in 1947. So their child-raising experience was from the late 1940s, in a world reeling, some countries still on rations, the 1950s and the 1960s. The social expectations on young men and women were very different, compared to what they experienced growing up, to parenting their own son.

Warren, their son, died in a car accident in 1967. They adopted me five years later, as a baby, in 1972.

Here we have a couple, still grieving their son, and maybe determined not to make the same mistakes, to do better. Their idea of a well-behaved young lady was shaped by what they experienced, themselves, as children, and in bringing up Warren. The 1920s, the 1950s and the 1970s, all coming together in that home at that time. Coming together at that time and centred on an autistic girl, in a time when autism was barely recognised in boys, let alone girls.

I have a strong suspicion, a hypothesis, if you will, that their ideas about what a young lady needed to know were actually inadvertent supports for their autistic daughter.

From the age of about 4 to 13, I attended ballet classes, speech and drama classes, piano lessons and singing lessons.

Were 1970s speech and drama classes and singing a good substitute for the speech pathology of today?

Were 1970s ballet classes and piano a good substitute for the occupational and physical therapy of today?

Did their expectation of raising a young lady with grace, poise and refinement actually help their undiagnosed autistic daughter with social skills, communication, coordination and emotional expression?

ChatGPT’s perspective

Engaging in activities like ballet, speech and drama, piano, and singing could have provided valuable benefits to girls with undiagnosed autism across different time periods, including the 1800s to the 1990s. Here’s how:

Structured Routine: The structured nature of these activities could have provided a sense of predictability and routine, which can be comforting and beneficial for individuals with autism who often thrive in structured environments.

Sensory Integration: Many autistic individuals experience sensory sensitivities or differences. Activities like ballet and music can help with sensory integration, providing opportunities to explore and manage sensory inputs in a controlled setting.

Social Skills Development: While the social expectations may have varied depending on the time period, engaging in group activities like ballet or drama would have still provided opportunities for social interaction, turn-taking, following instructions, and working collaboratively—all of which are important social skills.

Emotional Expression: Creative activities such as singing, piano, and drama allow for emotional expression in a safe and supportive environment. This can be especially beneficial for individuals with autism who may struggle with verbal communication or expressing emotions.

Self-Confidence: Mastery of skills in these activities can boost self-esteem and confidence, providing a sense of accomplishment and identity outside of potential social challenges.

While these activities might not have been specifically tailored for autism support, their inherent structure, sensory components, social interactions, and emotional outlets could have indeed provided meaningful support and development for girls with undiagnosed autism during those times.

I would also add competing in the local eisteddfod – in speech and drama, singing and piano – for several years as a self-esteem and confidence booster.

So despite all the difficulties my adoptive parents had, and the intergenerational issues we had, did they accidentally, inadvertently, do the best things possible at the time for the daughter that they didn’t know was autistic?

If so, way back in the 1800s, or even earlier, in English society, did the social mores of the time, for boys and girls, inadvertently give support to people with autistic brains, even though we didn’t know about autism back then?

Is modern society making it harder to be autistic than ever before?

Children in cars

Did you know that “land transport accidents” are a leading cause of child deaths?

In 2015–2017, among children aged 0–14, the 3 leading causes of injury deaths among children were:

land transport accidents (29%), which includes road traffic fatalities
accidental drowning (18%)
assault (11%) (Figure 3).

https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/children-youth/australias-children/contents/health/injuries

So I was shocked to observe a child, unrestrained, in the back seat of a car. This was in a busy, 6 lane road, in peak hour traffic.

I was behind this car, stopped at traffic lights,  and watched this child walking around the back seat,  half climbing into the cargo area of the hatchback, and standing between the two front seats.

What’s the problem with this,  a child unrestrained in the back seat of the car?

Firstly, children who wear an appropriate restraint are more likely to have no injury or only superficial injuries compared to unrestrained or inappropriately restrained children. (QISU, 2007)

This QISU bulletin says, that between 1998 and 2005, 1949 children presented at emergency departs after a motor vehicle crash.  One third of all presentations (561) presented with serious injuries:

  • open wounds
  • fractures
  • intracranial injuries
  • internal organ injuries
  • multiple injuries
  • crush injuries
  • eye injuries
  • spinal injuries
  • dislocations
  • burns
  • blood vessel injuries
  • traumatic amputations

All except burns could be linked to not being restrained in an appropriate car seat.

Secondly,  it’s in the road rules. 

In addition to the safety risks, if a child is not in an approved child restraint that is properly fastened and adjusted, you may be fined $1,161 and incur 4 demerit points for each child that is not properly restrained*.
Double demerit points apply for second or subsequent child restraint or seatbelt offences committed within 1 year after an earlier offence.

*As at February 2024.

https://www.qld.gov.au/transport/safety/rules/children

There are times when children aren’t required to be in a car seat in Queensland, such as when travelling in taxis, on buses, trains or personalised transport services such as taxi, limousine and ride-booking services.

So why do I care?

I am a driver for Shebah,  the all-women ride share service in Australia.  One vital service we offer is car seats for your child – rear facing,  front facing and boosters.  So you can understand,  I hope, my consternation at seeing a child, unrestrained, in a car.

The car I was following was not a taxi,  limousine or rideshare vehicle. It was a regular,  everyday, hatchback,  a family car.

How could parents be so cavalier about their child’s safety? Well, maybe not.  There are a few exemptions. These can be if the child has a temporary medical condition or a physical disability that prevents them from using a car seat or seat belt. In that case, there should be a medical certificate that provides instructions on how the child should be restrained in a car.

If the child has a long term condition or disability,  the Australian Standard about child car seats allows for modified car seats,  speciality seats, imported harnesses or even harnesses that allow a child to lie on the back seat. There are a lot of hoops to jump through for these.

Kidsafe Queensland has great information about car seats,  and even hires car seats out.

Look after your kids.  As George Benson sang

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

George Benson, “The Greatest Love of All”

Eternal questions.


Why are so many parents resistant to getting their children assessed for neurodivergence – autism, ADHD, or both?


“Oh, they get plenty of support at school, regardless.” Yes, and when school ends at Year 12, that stops. The 19 or 20 year old is about to enter university with little to no support unless you have a diagnosis, and even then, the support is questionable.  Or, the 19 or 20 year old goes into Army, Navy or Air Force, primed for bullying.


Or, worst case, failing in school, feeling like a failure and getting swept up in a cult, a cause,  with a charismatic leader.


If the 19 or 20 year old can find employment in the field of their special interest, then they are blessed… if they have been allowed to develop their special interest(s).


Let’s not talk about the lifetime cost of masking, of being in the sympathetic nervous system every day, with the costs to health that that brings.


Autism Awareness Month ends today. But autism is for life.

Getting supports

Almost three months after getting the diagnosis that, yes, I am autistic, I will confidently say that that diagnosis, at the age of 51, is both a blessing and a curse.

Redefining what I thought were anxiety attacks as autistic meltdowns would be a win, you would think. But until you can get your head around to the recognition that (1) When you thought these were anxiety attacks, you managed them (2) So simply reframing them as autistic meltdowns shouldn’t change the fact that you have managed them in the past (3) Except you are terrified that this is burnout and skill regression which would mean an end to your life as you know it.

Communities and networks

There are damned few support groups for adult autistic women.

I don’t feel like I can participate in my old communities and networks, after having been an (unknowing) fraud all my life.

I can’t bear to look at LinkedIn with its allistic cheer parties for allistic professionals.

So – Instagram, and all the autistic content creators who so bravely share their hearts, souls, minds, thoughts, autistic traits and autistic lives. I found great neighbours there, but can I share my heart, soul, mind, thoughts, traits and life there? Not yet.

Head to Health

I turned to “Head To Health”, a federal government program offering eight free psychologist appointments. This was in a time of crisis before I knew I was autistic. I know now that that crisis was a meltdown from sensory overload.

Universities

I might have a fighting chance at university now, as a mature age student. With supports and accommodations in place, and gaining a better idea of my strengths, which have always been autistic; it’s about getting to the sympathetic resonance of them as autistic strengths.

My assignments so far at university have focused on mature-age students, and grief. Maybe, as I discover more and more of my authentic self, I can focus on the female autism phenotype and adult diagnosis. Maybe I can write about grief through the lens of autism. Maybe I can write about forgiving myself for not grieving like others do, because my grief is autistic. Maybe I can write about the validation, and then fresh grief, that I always felt that my late husband loved me more than I loved him, because I was an undiagnosed autistic woman, and our mirror neurons work differently, and there’s a thing called hyperempathy.

Yet, I still curse every physiotherapist, massage therapist, chiropractor and osteopath that didn’t twig that the hyperextension of my knees was hypermobility, and a flag for autism.

So, those eccentric cams with the unshed tears, maybe they need a deep clean.

Maybe the NDIS can help, if they could see the not-done housework that has been a point of self- castigation for my whole life; it’s not laziness, it’s an executive function issue.

May this prose illustrate just how shattered yet whole I feel – the 51-year-old widow with a fresh diagnosis of autism, in the melange of grief and hope and fear and bravery.

Footnote – au is gold, in the periodic table. Gold is ductile, malleable and versatile, with a melting point of over 1000°C.

Doesn’t that sound like every “high functioning” autistic person you know?

Doesn’t that sounds like me?

Time, babushka dolls and efficiency

Autism. Being autistic. It’s a thing that some see as a deficit, and that some people see as difference.

For some though, it is a devastating. Some parents of autistic children have to deal with comorbidities in their children such that the children don’t survive beyond 10 years of age. Some cannot engage with society, and require a lot of support.

As a rideshare driver for Shebah, rideshare by women, for women, and licensed to carry unaccompanied minors, I have quite a few neurodivergent regular passengers. One is a voluntary non-verbal Au+ve teenager. One was an AuDHD 8 year old. Another is an AuDHD teenager. An older Au+ve teenage girl speaks non-stop at a loud volume. Another Au+ve teenage girl is very afraid of conflict and retreats into silence, even when she has needs.

I also drive rideshare for Uber, and really appreciate that passengers can ask for a quiet, warm car in their booking – indicative of autism. I’ve had a few of those passengers, too.

A few days ago, there was a very unusual Shebah booking – quite ordinary on the surface, requesting an XL car with a front facing seat.

By the end of the drive, when my passengers were safely at home, we had discovered that four of the five people in car were autistic. The child, yes, and during the process of the child’s diagnosis, mum was identified as AuDHD. During the parents’ educational program for pathological demand avoidance (PDA), dad reported identifying with each aspect as they were going through the course. So, self-diagnosed, for now, with autism. And me, the 51 year old driver with an autism diagnosis from just 5 weeks ago. It struck me as extraordinary.

Autism, being autistic, is named in the DSM-5-TR as “Autism Spectrum Disorder”.

So what is the DSM-5-TR? It stands for the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, version 5, Text Revision.

For Autism Spectrum Disorder, it sets out assessment criteria for children. Each criteron needs to be addressed by levels of support needed, described by these levels:

  • Level 3 – requires very substantial support.
  • Level 2 – Requires substantial support.
  • Level 1 – requires support.

The criteron, themselves, are to do with:

  • Ongoing issues with social communication and interacting
  • Patterns of behaviour or interests in:
    • Movement and/or speech
    • Routines
    • Narrow areas of interest or focus
    • Sensory issues
  • For children, these symptoms must be observed by the age of 8. However, as each child will present differently, the full impact of their autism may not be known until they “hit their limits” – the point beyond which may result in a meltdown or withdrawal.
  • They must also have signify impairment in social, occupational or other critical areas of function. Occupational in this case doesn’t mean work, it means functioning, as in walking, talking, moving, lifting, carrying, holding – the things that an occupational therapist works assist with.
  • Lastly, these symptoms must be evaluated against other disorders, such as intellectual disability or global development disorder. However, these can also be comorbidities – multiple conditions at the same time.
  • There also needs to be an assessment, either has or does not have, intellectual impairment, and whether or not there is a known genetic disorder or environmental factor.

So, there is quite an assessment process for children. Adults have the same assessment criteria, but there will be a lot of questions about childhood experiences.

The first stop should be your child’s paediatrician, or, your GP.

So what is autism, for me, and what was my path?

I’m 51. Back in the 1970s, autism wasn’t something that girls had. Nonetheless, I have memories of arguments over wearing track suit pants; I hated the way the fleecy lining felt. Flanellette sheets were also on the hated list. Since adulthood, I have bought neither tracksuits nor flanellette sheets.

I also remember constant admonitions to “be a good girl” and “be a little lady”. So, it would seem I was doing something that I need to given these reminders.

I remember walking on the knuckles of my toes, and my piano teacher couldn’t understand how my 8yo hands could span an octave on the keyboard; she appreciated it, nonetheless!

When I was 7yo, I had the reading age of a 12yo. An IQ test put my 10yo IQ at above 140. I excelled at school, almost without trying, and my marks were one off a perfect score in the Grade 7 ASATs. I did the Australian Mathematics Competition in 1985, 1986 and 1987. In 1985, I was the top student for the district. The other two years, I got high distinctions.

I was painfully shy and introverted and had one or two friends, usually boys. I spent my lunchtimes alone in the library.

Obviously, I learnt to mask and assimilate early on, which explains my high scores in masking and assimilation on my autism assessment.

If I mask so well then, why did I seek an assessment, at the age of 51?

When my late husband passed away, it seemed like the autism peaked, and my mask cracked. I had reached the limits of my capabilities. I was rattling off key dates in am almost rote fashion, such as the dates of the “practice run”, his death, his funeral, interring his ashes, my cat’s decline and her passing, about two months after my husband.

Somehow I got my masks back into place, but things weren’t right, between the undiagnosed autism and the grief. My work suffered and my decision-making was impaired. Still, it wasn’t until I took myself off to university that the cracks appeared again.

Now that I have the diagnosis that, yes, I am autistic, I can ask for supports and accommodations at university.

Reframing my life, all 51 years of it, through the autistic lens has had its moments. (See “unshed tears and eccentric cams“.)

Realising the lifelong issues I’ve had with my then undiagnosed autism near brought me to my knees, but, I found a way. (See “empowered and emboldened by AI“.)

No doubt, there will be more ups and downs as I discover more insights about lifelong issues that have been because of my autism. But, in all, I’m proud to join the club and lend my voice to advocacy for an autistic-friendly society.

Oh, and babushka dolls? Apparently, the way I see time when it comes to time management and scheduling is rather autistically unique. Each task, and the time it needs, is a little babushka doll that goes into the bigger babushka doll that represents the day. Go figure.