Late diagnosis of autism, or late discovery of autism as a life explainer
Discovering my autism, more than halfway through my life*, has been, shall we say, interesting. I’ve been diving deep into research, social media and a better understanding of female autism in the 21st century. One of the things that I keep coming across is identity, and here’s where I have a problem with the narrative. Maybe this comes from the life I’ve already lived. But what is “identity”?
You see, to me, this concept of duality, and then singularity, is problematic. None of us, not one of us, is just one thing or another. For example, the way that we have masculine and feminine energy within us, working in balance, rising and falling in concert throughout our lives. The way that we can have a range of emotions, creating the symphony of our lives, from joy to depression, love to indifference, rage to indifference, every emotion and its counter-balancing, and complementary emotions.
In that same manner, we are more than this or that. We can be, we are, many things.
So, autistic identity. I’ve been autistic my whole life, even if I didn’t know it. Even in the word ‘identity’, it has multiple faces, multiple meanings – personal identity, social identity, legal identify, ethnic identity, cultural identity, national identity, professional identity, gender identity, sexual identity.
Others posit that our identity is formed through our habits. This brings to mind Lao Tzu’s words:
“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
Moreover, this concept of identity from our habits, leads to the question of moral identity, and how that forms our intentions and actions.
Even the research into identity shows it to be a multi-faceted construct.
Thus, we come to the concept of integrated self, with a “high degree of connectedness within and between cognitive, affective, motivational, and behavioral (sic) systems” (Verplanken and Sui, 2019). To me, that means being in harmony with oneself, being true to oneself.
But identity? If it was a fixed thing, then I’ve changed identities so many times in the last twenty years. From wife, to wife of Huntington’s Disease, to wife, provider and administrator, to widow, to mature-age student, to failed student, to autistic (which is why I was a failed student). Yet, its all just me. Cash poor, spiritually rich, living the best life I can, sometimes brilliant, sometimes anxious, sometimes sad, sometimes happy, always autistic, and always me.
What prompted this introspection and research? A webinar I attended, from Attwood Garnett Events, “Developing a positive self-identity”.
My identity is and remains that of Lee-Anne, one of 7 billion people on this planet, all rich in their lives and identity, whichever identity they choose, whichever facet they choose.
Once again, for me, it comes back to the message of accepting and celebrating diversity, knowing that I am secure in knowing who and what I am, changing the world one conversation at a time.
* Halfway through my life? Australian Bureau of Statistics data shows that life expectancy for a woman in Australia is an average of 85.3 years.
The Auld Skald's Fudgel 